Freaking Grief 😔
- Misty Dotson
- Jul 24, 2023
- 2 min read
Two years ago, the entire week was a blur and I felt as if I was watching the events that unfolded, through someone else's eyes, yet I made it through.
Unimaginable events, devastating crisis, or when some kind of tragedy hits, I've pulled through. I'm calm, level headed and get what needs to be done, accomplished with little to no help. I think it's my super power...
But looking back, it's not a super power. It's me, dissociating from my current reality. Turning off my feelings and becoming numb to my surroundings. It's a trauma response that I've done my entire life and it's exhausting.
Why exhausting?? Because after everything is done and as time continues to go by..days, weeks, months and years...THIS, this is when my mind decides to process what actually happened but in slow motion....
I feel for everyone else around me, but not myself....I'm a sponge that sucks up the emotions other's let out and file them neatly in my mind, while my own are pushed into an area of my brain that is dark, cold and has a lock on it that I've seemed to have misplaced the key for.
This process reeks havoc on my life that I can only see and feel...on the outside I look fine, but there's someone in that dark, cold room in my mind that won't stop tapping on the door....you know that sound you can hear but can't figure out where it's coming from or how to stop it, ya that's the one.
Ever watched the Stephen King movie, Dreamcatcher?? My mind is just like the memory warehouse....check it out...
I know grief has no time limit but man!! If I could just start to process things a little sooner, it'd be much appreciated....How do I revamp my "Memory Warehouse"? I really need to get the tapping to stop, those memories and emotions really need to be let out from behind the locked door.
Though it's been 2 years, I remember every detail from that entire week and almost daily, I get flashes of those memories intertwined with older memories that cause an internal crippling effect on my body, mind and soul.
I miss you every moment of every day Vin.
Comments