Time is making it worse...

Grief is multi dimensional and has an infinite time line. You can grieve not only a death of someone or pet, but we can grieve a multitude of things. From items we had as a child to places we've lived and loved, down to ourselves and the picture of who we once were before time had passed us by.

It's not "getting over it" it's "healing through it".

I don't feel that we ever "get over" our grief, we just learn how to heal our mind, heart and soul in order to function through out our daily lives. I personally don't want to "get over" my grief, if I did that, I'd feel that I am permanently erasing what's causing that particular grief from my own personal memory warehouse, and those files aren't ready to be destroyed, more like, hidden away in a special room, guarded by my heart.

The paths of my grief journey are far from straight. They are short, and long, rocky and smooth, up and down and the latest, had me missing the top step to a spiral staircase that had infinite floors....I still feel like I'm falling, but at least I have a good grip on my glass that's half full!

I've noticed (while falling) that time is making me more anxious with a feeling of panic. Let me explain....

As time keeps moving forward, I'm realizing how quickly the memories I have of my mom, brother and sister are being buried by new memories. Memories that started the day they left and weren't in my physical life anymore. Memories that I truly do cherish, but they are memories that aren't shared with them, ones that when I look back at them, it hurts knowing they aren't a part of them. They don't get to make new memories, my mom or brother....my sister still is....just not with me.

It's really hard to explain my sadness with this. I still have people around, that love and care for me, making new memories and traditions but I'm still sad and at times feel really alone. I know that sounds ridiculous because I'm not alone but for the first 35 years of my life those 3 individuals were a constant within my memories, regardless how big or small, happy or sad, they were there through it all - the good, the bad and sometimes the ugly.

What eats at me the most, is that I'm not the same person I was while they were alive. Their deaths literally broke parts of my heart that can't be fixed, replaced or regrown. There will always be parts of my heart that are missing and it is hard to feel complete and time isn't helping!

We will loose many people throughout our lives but the depths of grief and pain that come with experiencing loss, I have listed in specific categories per the relationship I had with that person (at least this is how I have them stored in my memory warehouse) your's could be completely different. Each grief journey is unique but I do believe that it IS a journey, a healing journey that's discovering and accepting a different version of myself. I know that the holiday season can take an emotional toll on those of us going through a grief journey, but remember to be patient with yourself, allow the saddeness and the tears but don't let them stay, remember your loved ones, talk about them, speak them into YOUR exsistence and hold them forever in your heart.

Much love to you all and know that you're not alone, if you or someone you know is struggling reach out. If not to me, to a friend or family member or text 988. You matter, your mental health matters.

A quote that comes to mind for me, is this-

“The ties that bind us to life are tougher than you imagine, or than any one can, who has not felt how roughly they may be pulled without breaking.” ― Anne Brontë, Agnes Grey