2021, I survived. 2022, I want to LIVE!

Did I mention that I am an extreme "people pleaser"? I've done this over and over and over for, I'm going to say, MY WHOLE LIFE! And the really sad part is that the majority of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. I got it from my mom, who spent the majority of her life being one as well.

Acknowledging this is disheartening, realizing where it stems from is disappointing, trying to work through it all and stop the behavior so that after years of living your life to appease others, you put yourself first for once is daunting, terrifying and exhausting both mentally and emotionally. Maybe it's because we all had different dads, but if I only would have had just an ounce of their, and excuse my language here, "don't give a shit" attitudes, it wouldn't hurt so bad. I'm not saying my brother and sister didn't care or have empathy, but I am saying, they didn't care what other's thought about them, to a point and they definitely were never afraid to let that be known. Our mom was a "people pleaser" but also wouldn't take any shit. I needed that end part sooner than later in my life, but it's better late than never, right!

So I've decided that I'm tired of just surviving in this life, I want to LIVE in this life. I will NOT be a "people pleaser", and I'll do it with grace. I have to make this change for my mental and emotional state of mind, for my son and my relationships with friends and family. I deserve the best version of myself and so do those I love. This isn't a "new years" resolution, out of anything that I take away from my 2021 Shit Show, is that I matter too and need to love who I am to live, actually LIVE! Not just try and survive.

If anything "good", and I use that word ever so loosely, came from my brother's suicide, it was that my eyes were opened. Opened to how severe the toll of him just trying to "survive" in this life was for him. I mean, I wasn't blind, I saw, but not the depth of it, not the origin of the demons he faced. I saw what he allowed and that didn't scratch the surface. I know he felt alone after our mom's death, but it was only recently that I understood the "alone" part because I thought, he still has us? His sister's, but sometimes you gotta dig deeper and look past the obvious. I know he loved us and we were his family in his heart, but what took me well over half my life to really grasp about us 3 kids, he understood from the start and not that it makes a gosh darn difference that we were only "half" related, your demons will use everything to keep you at bay especially the losses he suffered so young. But Vin, he had a way with words! And this was one of the most whole hearted things I hold so close and it's from a post he did on Facebook about 4 years ago

"They may be half breeds...but I love them on the highest tier that love can achieve".

He was wise beyond his years and loved on a different level 💚 and he is MY half breed!

Here's to living and not just surviving, 2022.