A Life in Chaos

Since my brother's death, I've been seeing a therapist. Along with the journaling, therapy has really helped, not just in dealing with the suicide, but with my past and relationships as well, I really do highly recommend therapy, regardless of your specific "chaos", it helps, and is not something to be ashamed of because our minds are one of the most important parts of us and if it's swirling around with things we don't understand and just keep pushing it down, sooner or later you'll run out of room. I know some may think they have a big head, but it's actually a relatively small place to keep hoarding away the pain, trauma and over all chaos of our lives. Have you seen the show, Hoarders!!?? Could you imagine your mind looking like that? Well, I did not my best idea lol Everyone has something or somethings they push deep down and cover up with the mundane or good and happy thoughts and in my own words, that causes "mind constipation". I know, I know, not the most pleasant representation, but an accurate one. When I journal or talk with my therapist, it helps to relieve my "mind constipation", not that I'm just dumping (pardon my pun) the ugly, tragic, painful things I've stored in my mind, but it's a way of organizing and not letting them to continue to fester and grow, leaving me with no room for everything else I need to fit up there.

My therapist recently asked me if I was living too much in the past. I was a little taken back by this, because since his death, it's all I've been doing really, just living in my past, in my mind. I've literally been reaching so far down because I'm so desperate in remembering him, every little thing! I know, rationally, I'm not going to just forget my brother and who he was, but mentally it's put me into chaos and into full blown hoarding mode! And things are about to get really constipated up in this girl's mind if I don't stop and re-evaluate my organizational skills. I want to live in the present and reminisce on the memories of my brother and mom. I think our mind goes into panic mode when we lose someone close to us that we loved so dearly, it's consumed with this overwhelming feeling that if we don't constantly replay the past, it's like we are losing them all over again and that is pain our mind just really can't begin to comprehend over and over again. And I don't care who you are, but you do not deserve to keep feeling that pain, and I know our loved ones wouldn't want us to do that either, especially those we've lost through suicide. Their pain brought them to the point where they felt there was no way out, that it consumed them, it didn't happen overnight, it was the stuff that they pushed down and covered with the mundane, good and happy. My brother hurt immensely after our mom passed, he pushed and pushed until there was no more room for the good and didn't know how to regain control of his own mind. I know certain things, numbed it and I think that actually prolonged the inevitable. Mental health is real and it's just as important as our physical health if not more important. It's ok not to be ok and it's ok to be open about it! It's ok to talk about our loved ones, it's ok to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly parts too. Don't let your mind get "constipated", mind dumping works!

I truly appreciate everyone that takes the time to read these blogs, we aren't alone, YOU are NOT ALONE!