Family....🤷‍♀️

The death of our mother put a huge crack in our already small family foundation, but the suicide of our brother just ripped it apart. I desperately wish I could go back to when this picture was taken and hold on a little tighter to the other two. I wish I could have made an amends with my brother before it was too late, and I wish my sister wouldn't have just written me off like she did. Things happen and family can just down right suck! I know many disagree with my photo frame but what I wouldn't give to have the other two in that picture tell me they love me again. To get a hug or for my brother to tell me he appreciates my existence, just one more time. I have other family, friends and my son who love and care for me deeply and I appreciate them all, especially over the last 6 years but these two were there while I was growing up, I was the middle kid, my sister took care of me and then became a confidant when I was older and out of the house, The roles were reversed slightly with my brother, I took care of him when he was little and tried to be the "normalcy" in his life later on. All three of us grew up completely different even though we lived with the same mom, looking back now it was pretty screwed up and I can see how it affected us and our relationships with one another.

You know the expression, the black sheep of the family? Well, I'm pretty sure I lived in a house full of black sheep and I was the one white one. My mom always called me her "earth angel" and I swear she thought I could do no wrong and pretty sure she blatantly expressed the pedestal she put me on to my siblings. I wish she wouldn't have. I'm not perfect, I'm definitely no angel and I'm always screwing up in some way, I'm human just like everyone else. I constantly feel like my life needs to be this misconstrued version of perfection and is completely out of control to the point that the first thing I have to do when I get up is to make sure the throw blankets and pillows are just right on all the furniture before anything else and the sheer anxiety I get when my husband comes home and moves those pillows and throws to sit down is insane. My house isn't perfect but don't mess with my pillows and throws! This doesn't stem from growing up in a household were everything was immaculate; it stems from the proverbial pedestal my mother placed me on. I never asked for that and I sure as hell didn't deserve to be seen as such through our mother's eyes because I know it misconstrued the way my sister and brother saw me and felt about me. It always bothered me how they perceived me, like I needed handled with gloves on or I'd break or "shhh" don't talk about that kind of stuff around her, like I had lived under a rock my entire life and knew nothing of what was actually out in the real world. I may not have been on the up and up with the drug scene, but I had experienced more hell during my 20's then they ever would in their entire lives, yet not once did they ask me exactly what I had experienced or how it affected me.

And this is why, I can go through out my life, and experience the experiences that I have and dealt with the tragedies in my life and still come out loving others, especially my family. I may have to pull away at times, but that doesn't mean I stop loving and caring for them. They are always on my mind and I'm always willing to heal my relationships with them, if they are. But it doesn't come without boundaries being set.

Death is hard, and it's messy for those left behind, because everyone grieves differently. I tried my best to save them but, in the end, it wasn't my choice nor was it my fault. But if it's easier for some to place blame in order for them to survive their own grief then maybe that's my superpower, maybe blaming me makes their pain a bit more bearable and I'm ok with that because my shoulders were built a little sturdier than theirs.

This is something I found, and it really does explain, well ME!

I never realized it before, but my brother was onto something when he would end his conversations with "I appreciate your existence a great deal" because I do too, thanks for the wisdom little brother 💚