First Year as a Legacy...

"I appreciate your existence a great deal." - Vince

You don't want to know how many times I've tried to start this one flipping blog entry...and I'm sure it's because never, ever in my lifetime did I think I would need too.

Your life was way to short and you had too much to live for, for this to have become your ending.

This first year without your existence in our lives has been numbing and excruciatingly painful. A year riding on a roller-coaster of emotions, memories, regrets and choices. A year of realizing just how much of you there is in everything I do, no matter how small, trivial or mundane, you're there. A year seeing how much of an impact you made on Caden and how much of you I see in him that I didn't before. A year of seeing just how much your life and music touched so many people and the friendships that were created all over the world just because of your existence. You mattered to a lot even if you couldn't see it. I know you did the best you could, until you just couldn't any longer. I really don't think you truly wanted to leave us; I just think you didn't know how to stay.

Throughout this first year, my entire life seems to have taken the role of one of those "popping" bubbles you click on in the game of Trouble and handed it to a toddler that just keeps pushing it down, watching my life and everything in it go up and down and all around.

Your death is hard to swallow. I know not just for me but for all who were lucky enough to have known you and have you in their lives, it's incredibly hard. The year flew by too, no matter how hard I tried to step on the invisible break, it's here. Maybe, subconsciously, I thought if I could just hold off that year marker a little longer, I could avoid those feelings I felt on the day I found out you were gone. I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming anxiety that today brought. Yesterday, even though I wasn't intentionally watching the clock, I couldn't help but feel this empty pit in my stomach and pressure in my chest as the day drew closer to ending because I didn't want 11:05 am to come, I didn't want to relive that feeling I had when the coroner called me, I didn't want those memories of that day or week after, I wanted my original memories. Memories filled with my family and friends witnessing and celebrating a very long over-due wedding where my sister officiated, and my brother proudly walked our mother down the aisle. A day I danced with my mom and my not so little brother, who by the way at least kept his tux on for this wedding and the day I finally married my best friend, but I couldn't escape it....11:05 am came.

Tring to find balance in a new "norm" isn't really that easy. You give yourself that "pep" talk, you figure out a new routine, map it all out and memorize it. You say to yourself, "You got this!" You wake up and sit up in your bed telling yourself "Let's get this day started", thinking about how good that first sip of coffee is going to taste, swing your legs around the bed and stand up. Then it hits you, this unexplainable, invisible wall and find yourself struggling to navigate around it. This is where I'm at. I know I have happy memories of this day and that it's special, and I know that the black cloud hanging over it will subside and there will be a balance on how I will perceive this day in the future, but today, I struggle. To be honest, I struggle a lot of the days, but I'm learning that's ok and that I'm not alone.

The world without you in it, shines a little less bright, but we'll hold onto your memory where you'll never be out of sight. I'll love you to the moon and back, forever and always, a bushel and a peck and oh how I wish I could give you a hug around your neck! I appreciated your existence in my life as my brother, please while you're up there give a kiss to our mother. A legacy was made July 19th, 2021, but my brother you'll always be since January 16th, 1992 💚