I'm still "Me".... Just a different "Me".

This grief thing is hard.

I know I've stated that before, but this loss, this specific type of loss with this specific person has silently broken me. And I'm just now realizing how broken I really am.

BUT.... I'm still ME. It's just now, seeing life, walking along in life, decisions I make in my life, seem to feel so incredibly different than before. And I don't know about the rest of you, but change, any little type of change in my life is like pulling that little bitty thread on your super expensive, favorite sweater and next thing you know you have a crop top that wouldn't even cover one of your boobs! Then, totally have this internal panic attack, all while smiling and shaking your head, while saying, "this is fine", "it's going to be fine". It's not just me, right? I mean I've always been a little neurotic and quirky, but like this picture states, "Grief has been the ultimate undoing" for me and after a year, I'm realizing I'm not alone and I feel less crazy.

The saying's, "It's ok to not be ok" and "You're not alone" are pretty prominent in society today and the ever-shunned topic of Mental Health is suddenly begging to be more widely spoken among those who suffer with it. THIS IS GREAT!!! Mental health needs to be spoken about and people need educated. Why? Because Mental illnesses are among the most common health conditions in the U.S. Let me break some statistics down for you, curtsey of the CDC.

• More than 50% will be diagnosed with a mental illness or disorder at some point in their lifetime.

• 1 in 5 Americans will experience a mental illness in a given year.

• 1 in 5 children, either currently or at some point during their life, have had a seriously debilitating mental illness.

• 1 in 25 Americans lives with a serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression.

There is no single cause for mental illness and a number of factors can contribute to the risk. Over half (56%) of adults with a mental illness receive no treatment, that is over 27 MILLION individuals experiencing a mental illness that aren't getting the help they so desperately need.

Ok, ok, I'm not here to be a pamphlet on mental health and illnesses but I am here to tell you my story, my thoughts, my experiences and to certainly let others know that they are NOT ALONE! Yes, my brother took his own life. Was he suffering with a mental illness? Yes. Was it publicly known? No. He didn't talk about it and to tell you the truth, I don't even know if he acknowledged truthfully and fully to himself that he had an issue. I do know he openly admitted severe anxiety (along with our mother and myself) (possibly our sister🤷‍♀️) but anything else, I'm not 100% sure on. What I do know is that he, "self" medicated with A LOT of unhealthy habits, became very withdrawn and "reclusive" to the outside world. Re-read that last line, "he was withdrawn and "reclusive" to the OUTSIDE WORLD, yes, my brother was very active "online" and on different social platforms, he made TONS of friends and followers through being online, virtually. He did have a few physical friends that he would hang out with and do his Yuh-Gi-Oh battles and that was comforting to find out, but for the most part, his life was built around a "virtual reality".

We need physical interactions; we are physical beings. Isolation can most definitely keep us trapped in our own mind and our own thoughts and it can be a scary place to be! I work from home, and I love my job and love that I get to stay home. I don't have to worry about traffic, or weather or constantly putting gas in my vehicle, but it took me over a year to get to this point. Before I really started to like and embrace my position, I thought I was literally going crazy. I was used to "people", physical people, every day and then BAM! Alone....physically for the majority of my days. Yes, I have my cats, but they don't talk back, well not to where I can understand them anyways! And that really put me in my head, and that wasn't a place I was really prepared to be for the majority of my days. But then I got a call that quite literally turned my life upside down and brought with it SO MUCH EMOTION and constant thinking, that I really thought my head was either going to explode, or that I really was having a psychotic break, or I had developed a few extra personalities. Either way, being alone and in my own head for the majority of my days was not going to end good, and I knew how that felt and I could not have my family go through that again, I needed to do something, I needed help. I wasn't ok and people needed to know. I started with journaling, it didn't make sense at first, but I had to get things out of my head! Whew!!! finally, I was able to sleep. Next, I made appointments with my family doctor and reached out to EAP at work to talk with a therapist.

I started counseling first and that was the best decision and has helped immensely! 10 out of 10 would recommend counseling 100%! And make sure you "click" with your therapist/counselor, if not, keep trying! Don't give up on therapy, it's SO healing. My family doctor and I finally figured out the medication aspect as well, I didn't realize how prominent my ADD was until working from home😮 and recently, telling my story with other's and interacting with other's that have been through the same thing has helped me and continues to help me. This is and was my initial goal for my blog, to let other's in on my life and to let them know, they are not alone and there is help out there and that we can get through it all, together! 💚