I MISS YOU 💚

It's coming up on 5 months, 5 months you've been gone from this world. 5 months of living with an unimaginable guilt and regret that many don't know I carry everyday. Some days are easier than others, as long as I keep busy, it's the idle time that worries me. It's the nights, like tonight, when I can't sleep and every time I try to close my eyes all I see is your face. I question if you every thought of me, if you loved me or if you really did have hate for me. The unknowns and why's are slowly killing parts of me.

I'm not recognizing who I am on the inside anymore. No matter the circumstances we were apart of each other, there was a bond from the moment you were born. You cared deeply for your friends and you made sure they knew it with each interaction you shared and you held them close.

I still struggle in my mind with why you wouldn't have reached out to someone, anyone...but in my heart I know you weren't yourself yet it's still so hard to understand. I'm trying really hard with this internal battle, I don't want to be the stigma that holiday's are the hardest because I want to feel the joy that they bring. I want the closeness of friends and family. This is all I've ever wanted, before mom died, after she died and now since you've left. I know we weren't close over the last few years, but I still hurt and I still miss you, I just feel like I've been missing you for the last 2 and a half years not just these last 5 months.

I pulled out some old pictures of both of us, you were such a cute little kid and you grew up into a pretty handsome adult. My favorite picture (it's not my most flattering one lol) but it's of us together, napping and you had your dang bottle filled with chocolate milk (that you were too dang old to have) and your flipping huge light blue blanket. You would drag that thing all over the house and it was your favorite one to sleep with. Even when mom did your room completely in Batman, the blue blanket was still on your bed. I don't know how long that blanket stayed with you, but I guessing until it literally fell apart!

You know it's only when someone is gone from your life that you want to talk to them the most and not just about the world today, in the present tense but memories of a life once lived. We spend the time reminiscing and missing that person and that makes me sad, because I never wanted to be doing this for my baby brother. I wanted time more time than we got and I'm angry with myself and with life and with you. I won't get over that feeling it will just subside and the storm will calm and it will become easier even though at this moment I don't feel like I deserve this storm to calm.

I will become stronger because of you, I will take parts of you and share them with others and the world. For me my voice has always been small and the quietest but now, through your life I have strength to put my voice out there for all to hear. You were heard all around the world and you appreciated even those that didn't like what you had to say. It's a lesson your life has taught me and one I'll hold on too and hopefully encourage other's to do the same with our story. One of the biggest chapters in your life ended Vin, but your story isn't over, the next chapter will just be written using my hands and those that love and care for you....