Januarys are proving to be difficult...

The holidays weren't what I was dreading, we never really celebrated them together consistently anyways but when I moved back to town in 2011 and until mom passed in 2016, we came together for not only Christmas and Thanksgiving but celebrating a few birthdays as well, especially the grandkids. I'd say I have a good 4 years of celebration memories, would have loved more.

After mom passed, I tried to have at least a few get togethers, but that only lasted about a year and a half 😕 I held on, way longer than my sister or brother ever did when it came to keeping a "family connection" after mom died. I'd be lying if I said I only did it for my son, I mean, he was a big contributing factor, but I also wanted it because it not only helped with my grief journey, but I also thought it might help my sister and brother's grief as well and possibly create an actual "sibling" bond between us. I was naive in my thinking.

I had an idealistic thinking of what "family" and "sibling" relationships meant for me, the vision in my head was only a "made for TV" version, not real life, at least not in my life.

Idealistic as it may, we were still family and siblings, and I am fully aware of "special" dates like birthdays and anniversaries, which for me, makes it nearly impossible to just forget the existence of them. Every January 16th, until I am no longer here on this earth, I will think of my brother and of his existence he had in this world for 29 years. Memories will play in my mind of the first time I laid my eyes on the kid who made me "the MIDDLE" child, the first time I held him (He was SO TINY), the nightmare that was his first birthday, the unwillingness to wear his tux or walk down the aisle at our sister's wedding, the death of his dad, his first day of kindergarten, the many mornings I would almost step on him when I got out of bed because he had slept on my floor without me knowing, falling asleep in the chair with me, playing with all of his batman toys especially the Bat Cave!, him calling me his "scooby doo" because he was my "scrappy doo", watching him do Taekwondo, the many phone conversations we had when I was living with my dad. I could keep going and going. The moment January 1st arrives, these memories flood into every single spare moment I have and let me tell you, working from home, all that goes through my mind are these memories.

This is why January is becoming hard.

2nd Birthday without him living in this world. It's still hard to say, but I'm healing, I'm learning, and allowing myself the space it needs in this grief journey. I hope, if you are struggling in your journey, please remember to have patience and be forgiving with yourself. Grief isn't a race; it has no time limit and it's different for every single person. Embrace the journey so that your mind, body and soul can begin to heal. Appreciate your own existence!