The 6th Year

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother."- Abraham Lincoln

It's lonely when your mom is in heaven.

It's that immediate thought of her when you have news to share, or questions to ask that you know she would have known. I've had my fair share of this over the last six years, but recently it has just hit me really hard, all of the things that have happened in my life over these 6 years that I haven't been able to share with her or ask her advice on or even just to vent and hear her voice only happened in my mind. Of course, I have many other wonderful women in my life to turn too but it's just that "connection" you have with your own mom, and I wish, I could feel that "connection" just one more time with her.

This day, 6 years ago, you left us. You made the heart wrenching decision to remove the one thing keeping you here and that was, in my eyes, the epitome of a mother's love.

No one should ever have to make a decision to remove a life sustaining device on anyone but especially not someone you love, but unfortunately it happens every day. Being placed in a situation where multiple people have to come together to make this decision is literal hell, but my mother knew that we couldn't make that decision and she was tired and ready to let go. It broke my heart but at the same time brought me a complete sense of relief that she was actually ready to go, and it was ok. It was the last gift my mother gave us, and I'll be forever grateful for it.

It's taken me these 6 years to feel this way because grief can be a strange and cruel beast. I would look back on this day and always say, "my mom made the decision for us", because she refused to place the bi-pap mask back on or use any other type of mask in order to get oxygen into her lungs, she knew all three of us kids were having an extremely difficult time deciding and I know in my heart now, that her heart couldn't bear the thought of her kids living with such a heavy decision in removing the one thing that was keeping her alive. I think back to that exact time now and I'm overwhelmed with the amount of love my mother showed us three kids in that moment, even though in the midst of the heartache and loss we were feeling, now I feel love.

I've hung on to the anger stage of grief for nearly 6 years, it hasn't been pleasant being angry that long and it's really exhausting to tell you the truth. That anger clouded so much of my emotional well-being that I couldn't and wasn't moving forward. Moving forward didn't mean I was going to forget about her, or that I wasn't going to grieve for her anymore, it just means that I'm seeing her death and these last 6 years through different lenses. I feel like now, I'm behind the scenes of my life, finally directing my own story. There is no time limit on grief, and sometimes you get stuck on a level you just can't beat, but it's ok to not be ok and to ask for help. My therapist has done wonders with me and helped me find the one thing that helped me beat one of the toughest levels I've ever been on, and I was able to fully see the wonderful last gift my mother was able to give, the gift of love.

I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck, a hug around the neck and a barrel and a heap a barrel and a heap and a talking in your sleep about you....about you, you betcha pretty neck I do! - Love you mom, I miss you.