The Good Parts of You

No one is perfect. No one is completely good; we all have demons and skeletons in our closets. Later in your life, you allowed your demons to roam free and left the door open to your closet, even though you lived your life as a recluse, your music and lifestyle let it all out for the world to see. And in some sense, I know it was your "cry" for help, and I can't help but feel the world failed you, we failed you, I failed you.

Past all the tough, "demon" persona that you combined with drugs and alcohol, you were really loving, sweet, caring, honest, faithful to your word and appreciated all greatly, especially those who treated you the same or showed kindness. You loved many and many loved you, but I know you still felt alone because I feel that too, regardless of the life I live and the people I have in it. It really is a daily struggle, and I can see how easily it can be to fall down that dark hole that numbs it all. I'm not sure if I would even call it strength that keeps me out of that hole or just shear fear that I would end up like you and mom and I couldn't fathom putting my kid, husband, family and friends through that, because I know the consequences firsthand, that come with it. The heartache and emptiness left on a person is numbing; I just couldn't put them through that type of suffering. A silent suffering is an internal hell you feel every day and it truly does suck.

Your line may have ended with you, but it doesn't mean that you didn't pass on the good parts. I would have never thought a lot of those parts would come out in Caden, but they have and continue to do so. It was like a switch that flipped in him after you passed, I mean he always had bits and pieces but lately, it's almost daily. He's definitely finding his OWN way in this world and it's awesome to watch and I'm extremely sad that you and mom aren't here to see and help guide him along. He loves to create (he gets that from us lol) he loves hard and is so faithful (sometimes way too much to the wrong people); he would give someone the last of anything he has and then some to others. It amazes me at how grateful he is of even the smallest gesture given to him and I remember that about you too. I remember you saying you appreciated me in regards of letting you know you could have the leftovers in the fridge or that I included you in our family meals (which blew my mind because I always assumed we lived together and you were my brother so why wouldn't you be included?) but I'm assuming because of the last years of mom's life you all lived separate yet under the same roof and there wasn't a whole lot of cooking going on. Of course, he loves the things you've taught him and shown like Yuh-Gi-Oh and of course all of the video game consoles, thanks by the way lol. And then there is Weird Al, that one I shouldn't be surprised about he's weird and goofy like me, you and mom! But it still was a shocker to hear it playing because well it's Caden!! Then to see him wearing your shirt, I cried, but it gave me a sense of comfort and remembering all the good in you.

Dang it Vin, I miss you SO MUCH and I know everyone else does too, I see it online when I post something to your wall and your friends respond, you made an impact on their lives, you showed kindness to them when others hadn't, but I'm just so tired of crying when I'm alone because you are forever gone and I didn't get to say goodbye or reconcile our relationship. I'm so exhausted because my mind just won't shut off the constant loop of you and the WHY and HOW parts of you leaving this world. I feel my mind doesn't want to heal because this pain I feel is the last link I have to you and that is SO messed up.

You're not a victim for sharing your story. You're a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and your raging courage. - Alex Elle

I know other's feel or have felt the same as me and often feel alone or embarrassed or that no one understands but that's why I write this blog, to let others know, you're not alone and it's ok to feel this way. It's ok to love those we've lost in our own ways and it's ok to lean on other's when we need too. It's ok to FEEL, it means your human and alive, you're not broken, and you don't need fixed, you're just on your own journey of healing. And remember, your existence is greatly appreciated 💚