Therapy Time

"The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination."- Carl Rogers

I decided to start therapy a few months after my brother's death. I was grasping at air and drowning quickly in my own mind. All the why's, what ifs and desperate attempts at figuring out his "state of mind" during his last moments where slowly taking me out of reality and into a literal manic state. My journaling helped at first, to at least get some of the noise out of my head so I could sleep, but I didn't realize or think to do that at the beginning. The first night after getting that phone call, specific little snippets played over and over in my mind, until I finally got up and wrote out what ended up being his obituary. It wasn't until about 2 weeks after he passed, that I really started to notice the ungodly amount of "chatter" I had going on in my mind when I would try and sleep. I would then spend my workday, sitting at my desk and only thinking about my brother, it down right came to be an obsession and caused me to lose focus of myself, family, my home and work. I had to do something, I had to regain some of my peace back and soon.

I had already written a few things by this point, mainly some poems and just random thoughts that wouldn't leave my mind and if I thought about it, I did feel some relief, but I could still feel myself withdrawing from everyone around me, so I made an appointment with EAP through my work and made my first appointment with my therapist. BEST DESCISION EVER!!!! I'll say this over and over again, find a therapist you connect with, that you feel comfortable with, it is by far one of the most important things I can't stress enough. You know the saying, if at first you don't succeed, try again? Follow it when looking for a therapist! It's 100% ok to go to as many as you need until you find your "therapist in shining armor"! I also found that you really need to be upfront and honest with yourself during your sessions, don't just go through the motions and trust your instincts. Only you, truly know YOU!

Now these are Soley my opinions and I'm just sharing my own experiences and journey but hear me out. I've never experienced an addiction to drugs, alcohol or anything else that fall into the addiction realm, but if you could be addicted to your mental illness, let's just say, I'd raise my hand and say, hi my name is Misty and I have PTSD, OCD and panic anxiety disorder. I've had the panic anxiety disorder since I was young, and the other stuff came later but it wasn't until my brother's suicide and getting into therapy did, I come to realize how dependent I really was on those things and how well I "normalized" them in my everyday routine. I wasn't putting one and one together, to be honest, heck I didn't think about it at all. Avoidance, that was name of my game! I hated confrontation so much that I couldn't even confront myself. In all aspects, I'm a "runner", I run away (if I can) when I'm faced with a situation that isn't the most pleasant to be in. Now as an outsider looking in, you wouldn't think that of me at all, but it's because in emergency situations, I'm the most focused and collected individual there is and seem to handle everything with ease, but in the shadows, I'm screaming, HELP! It's those non-emergency situations that need to be addressed sooner than later, then I crumble and run as fast as I can.

Therapy has helped me to realize that I do have a problem, but it's a valid problem. It's taught me that I'm not alone in my mental illness and that I need to take charge of it so that it's not in charge of me. I've learned that just from one therapy session or starting a new medication, doesn't mean I'm "cured", but does mean I'm strong enough to continue my fight. Mental illness sucks, tragedy sucks and sometimes when the two intertwine, it makes for one hell of a knot, but with the proper tools and knowledge, the knot can be undone and yes, we may still have those issues even after the knot is gone, but they will be much easier to manage.