Trying to be bright in a world of darkness...

I've come to realize over the years and especially this past one, that certain people who were once attached to my life, have cut the cord that once connected our bond. And regardless of that connection being severed, I still find myself loving, caring and still thinking of them. I often question myself as to why I do this, because some of these people literally meant the world to me and their absence in my life breaks a little bit of my heart each time I do and I'm finding it harder and harder to be a bright light when the world around me seems to only be getting darker.

Why? That's the word of the year, if a year had a word. But I'm learning that sometimes knowing the why, doesn't make it right, won't make me feel better and definitely won't give me back those people who I've lost or that cut the proverbial cord. So how do I keep shining bright?? Well, it's probably that damn halo my mom always saw above my head, but in case she was the only one to see it then here's a glimpse from my perspective...

I've found I have to be patient with myself first and foremost (which is damn near impossible, but hey! I try) and then accept that even if others decided to "cut the ties that bind" with me, that it's their choice. But.... I have every right to still love, think and care about them from a far or in my own mind, but try to find acceptance in their decision. Does it still hurt? Heck yes it does, but that reminds me that I'm alive and that I'm still trying to live my life the best way I can. I'm by far not perfect and I make mistakes often, but I do have one hell of a big heart and care sometimes too much, especially for others who don't feel the same about me, and I'd be lying to you all if I said I was ok with that because honestly, I'm not. Have I been the one to cut the cord before? Yes. And it's not an easy decision and can down right have devastating affects mentally and become emotionally tolling. I honestly feel it's at the top of my list of things never to do again unless ABSOLUTELY necessary, especially when it comes to close family because no matter the issue that has distanced you, the fact you've been in each other's lives literally FOREVER and one day it just all stops, is a true mind-blowing experience and not in the good way.

I'll tell you though, I keep finding myself dwelling and becoming overwhelmed with sadness, wondering what is so wrong with me that some could just cut me out of their lives? And it wasn't until I came to the somber realization that it really had nothing to do with me and all to do with them because in the end, it wasn't my choice, it was theirs.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my mom while planning my first wedding, she was upset and didn't agree with me marring him and was desperately trying to talk me out of it and even refused to attend, but me being a 20-year-old, thinking I know everything and especially about getting married, I was beyond irritated with her and the conversation we were having. Towards the end of that conversation, she stated she just didn't want me to make the same mistakes she had made, and as I was walking out the door to leave, I stopped and turned and said, "If it is a mistake, it will be MY mistake to make mom, not yours. I can't learn in life if I don't try and fail on my own." The marriage did fail, but I got my amazing son out of it, and it made me stronger in ways I would have never imagine if I had allowed my mom to choose my life path at that particular moment.

What I'm getting at here is, sure if someone doesn't want to be in your life, then fine they don't have to be, you can't force a relationship upon someone even if you had a close one in the past. Yes, it's going to sting, especially if you're not the one that wanted to cut the ties, because you'll still love, care and think about that person and you have that right, you may even be angry and feel that the other person is making a huge mistake, and hey, they maybe but that's on them not you. Remember we all have choices to make in life and control over them, don't let the actions of others control yours and don't think that there is something wrong with you because of it, good things can come out of the bad, and happiness can definitely shine through the darken sadness. Be kind and patient with yourself, you deserve love and to be loved, and NO ONE ever has the right to make you feel any different.

If you're like most, then you've probably delt with some kind of loss in your lives and understand the stress it places on all involved parties, and I'm not here to minimize the pain you feel, but I do feel that suicide places a whole other level of pain and stress upon those left behind that does need a slightly different approach toward healing. This is only my opinion, from my experience. I never could stay inside the circle or color inside the lines, why would my healing be any different. I may take an unconventional approach but again this isn't a cooking cutter life we're living. If my words can reach just one other person and they feel an impact or connection with what I have to say, then hey....I'm not doing too bad.